I wanted to die today.
Yesterday?
I wanted to die then, too.
The day before?
It crossed my mind at noon.
I gave it serious thought
when the sun hit the moon.
My dreams?
They aren't any better
than what I see when I'm awake.
I wanted to live today.
Will it be that way tomorrow?
Ask me never.
It changes so often
I can't keep up with the will
to hang on tight.
What's gives me air?
The daughters I hug goodnight.
Who holds me tight?
The trauma that crawls out
in the sharpest points of the night.
Nothings as sweet
as the escapism
of make it all end.
Once and for all.
Rose colored glasses
that whisper,
you aren't better than death,
death is better for you.
Better for who?
Not for my daughters,
who don't see how warped
mother is,
how broken.
How desperately I don't want to pass
my suffering on to them.
I wanted to die today.
I wanted to fall into la vie en rose.
Death to the screaming
my brain never stops streaming.
I wanted to die today
till I looked in their eyes
hugged them goodnight
and couldn't bear the thought of
not being there in the morning,
arms open to embrace them
Again.
And again.
And again.
Till the day I don't choose to die.