Por favor RIP, ideación

I wanted to die today.

Yesterday?

I wanted to die then, too.

The day before?

It crossed my mind at noon.

I gave it serious thought

when the sun hit the moon.

My dreams?

They aren't any better

than what I see when I'm awake.

I wanted to live today.

Will it be that way tomorrow?

Ask me never.

It changes so often

I can't keep up with the will

to hang on tight.

What's gives me air?

The daughters I hug goodnight.

Who holds me tight?

The trauma that crawls out

in the sharpest points of the night.

Nothings as sweet

as the escapism

of make it all end.

Once and for all.

Rose colored glasses

that whisper,

you aren't better than death,

death is better for you.

Better for who?

Not for my daughters,

who don't see how warped

mother is,

how broken.

How desperately I don't want to pass

my suffering on to them.

I wanted to die today.

I wanted to fall into la vie en rose.

Death to the screaming

my brain never stops streaming.

I wanted to die today

till I looked in their eyes

hugged them goodnight

and couldn't bear the thought of

not being there in the morning,

arms open to embrace them

Again.

And again.

And again.

Till the day I don't choose to die.